I have recently had a very forceful Epiphany, a major paradigm shift, yea even a change of heart!
I have come to realize that my actions and attitude have been in discord with the 2 most precious things to me in my life.
Being right over a point of doctrine or the quest to know every historical inconsistency caused me to be bitter, angry, and harsh. While some of this may have stemmed from over compensation to look smart, to cover up any residual effects of growing up dyslexic, some of my negativity may have come from how I was treated on my mission.
My dyslexia had the side effect that I could not pass off the discussions. I was constantly probed as to what grievous sin I had committed that was stopping me form passing off the discussions, when I couldn't even memorize 7 lines for the play "Cheaper by the Dozen." Other major events in my life where some church leaders should have done the right thing, but they chose to play the old boys network may have obscured my objectivity. While these events could have contributed to my negativity, I thought that intellectually I had kept the issues separate, but maybe not.
The truth is that Renee, my former spouse, was right, I did see things through jaded eyes, and was hyper critical and negative about the church, it's doctrinal changes, and historical PR spin on things. I can see clearly now what my true priorities are in this life. I am leaving the path of dissension and coming home to where I was most happy in my life.
I did not create, invent or exaggerate any of the issues or problems with the church, but I had made them more importance than they deserved to be. I did not give my wife and children the highest priority or time they deserved. In all fairness, I did not feel I was her top priority either, thus the divorce.
This is not a 180 degree turn around for me, for I was never an evil person in the first place. Also I never did present my web pages in terms of a list of why the church is not true, but I presented the facts and made commentary to balance out lots of misinformation. I tried to let people come to their own conclusions, not my conclusions.
It is still my testimony, that to present polygamy as if it ended in 1890 instead of 1904, is disrespectful of those faithful saints that sacrificed much to continue a principal in which they believed deeply. Implying that they were out of harmony with the church or that their children are bastards, is wrong! But this is not my battle to fight, not my ark to steady. My priority is my future spouse and current children. I will leave my web pages up with this disclaimer or a link to it, at the top of each page. When I have time, I will tone down the commentary where my anger caused me to be more critical than the circumstances justify. If you notice a section that I have not changed yet and it really needs it, please inform me, and include the url and wording: firstname.lastname@example.org
My priorities are, future spouse, children, taking my turn cleaning and making the home safe and comfortable, fitness, being a good neighbor, church callings that involve my family and then if there is time left I may add a page here or there, where the church causes more bad PR by lying than by telling the full truth. But doing that is a very low priority for me. So don't expect to see this sight change much.
I know that NO other church on the face of this earth is as true as the LDS church. I am striving to build back the faith in those things that are true, which were eroded by too much negative thinking.
Perry L. Porter 6-5-2000
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Spellings constructed for effect and to confound the ridged. ;)
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